‘Spaced, The Final Frontier: These are the voyages of the Starship Enter-her-slowly-never-mind-the-prize’ Episode 3
Episode 1 – Do you know who Mr. Bojangles is?
Episode 2 – Son, have you ever got stoned
Episode 3 – God asked Adam to fuck Eve and only Eve
Why did monogamy ever happen son? Who the fuck decreed that man shall fuck only one woman or man or sheep?
“God asked Adam to fuck Eve and only Eve.”
This was her answer for everything son. God.
Yes she loved her God and her theory was that if God had gifted man with a penis then man had no choice but to use that penis for he dared not spurn that wonderful… terrible phallic gift. I have seen what the penis is capable of son and its terrible deeds are difficult to number for they happen behind closed doors under wide open skies and up against hard bleeding rocks.
God asked Adam to fuck Eve and only Eve. Maybe she was right son just maybe this time her god-answer was the right answer although it meant you had to believe there was a god. The day we spoke of this we were in a motel room on route 66 the famous forgotten Nat King Cole road to nothing and nowhere. The motel had been our home for the last seven months. The souvenir mugs with route 66 stamped on were filled and emptied of cigarette refuse every day. It was convenient. That day she sat there listening to an angry Alanis song as she squeezed blackheads out of her upper thigh. It was not a wholly unpleasant sight for she wore a thong and nothing else and tendrils from her pubic nest – I liked her hairy down there son although according to the gospel recording of our last fight you wouldn’t believe me – escaped their confines and wandered about between her thighs. She caught my glance as she looked up from her blackhead popped thighs and wrinkled her powerful Persian nose.
It was the most beautiful nose wrinkle man has ever seen son.
“I know I need a fucking wax. Can you stop making me feel so self-conscious about it?!”
Her black-black eyes flashed and I bowed my head to receive her blessing.
“Fuck! I can’t believe you’re bringing this up again. So fucking typical! If you don’t feel like you’ve won an argument you keep coming back until I get sick of it! ”
This was not true son I wanted to believe that this was true.
Gospel Recording #232 (The Pubic Conflict)
“What’s wrong?”
… …
“Baby what’s wrong. Am I doing it wrong?”
“Shut up you bastard! I saw what you did.”
“What did I do?”
… …
“What did I do?!”
“I saw you spit out one of my pubes.”
“Ok… so?”
“So?! You know I hate that! You know how it makes me lose the mood!”
“Ok, listen I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that… but I don’t like swallowing like you do…
“Who the fuck said I like swallowing pubic hair you bastard?! You think I’m some fucking tabby cat that enjoys coughing up hairballs?!”
“Baby, listen, I’m…”
“Get your fucking face out of there! In future just be fucking honest when I ask you if I should wax, and don’t give me your fucking bullshit about how you like me hairy and how a forest without trees is not a fucking forest, and…”
“I’m sorry baby. Really! Just try and relax, please.”
“Fuck off! Relax?! You’re spitting out pubes like a fucking cat coughing up hairballs and you’re telling me you like it au fucking natural, whatever the fuck that means!”
“Stop it baby. Listen, I’m sorry. I said I’m sorry.”
… …
“Ok? Now can we please try and not think about cats regurgitating hairballs and try and focus on getting hard again.”
… …
“What does re-gurgi-tating mean?”
“Throwing up.”
“Then why the fuck didn’t you say that? Always has to be fucking clever with the words. Fuck you! Move! I’m going to the loo.”
End Gospel Recording
I didn’t want another fight I didn’t want to win the argument and I didn’t want her retreating to the loo again son. It was her refuge her sanctuary and she had even consecrated the cabinet above the bathroom sink and made it into an altar. Behind the magic mirror the clutter of throttled tubes of toothpaste expired condoms and a pack of porno playing cards with the hottest Queen of Spades ever to play the game had been replaced with one of those old 3D images of Mother Mary that were popular in the 80s. Her heart pulsated magically on the outside of her blue and white raiment and her hands folded in prayer and stretched out to suffer us to come unto her depending on the angle from which you looked at the mother of Christ. There were also scented candles that accounted for charring her shrine’s lacquered plywood and warping the magic mirror so that now strange misshapen versions of you stared back.
“I’m not starting up anything about pubes again baby, ok. Relax. I was just thinking that sadly, your stock answer for the tragedies of the world may have merit.”
“Speak English.”
She returned to squeezing and popping, and wiping her soiled fingers on the bedspread. I avoided looking directly at this breach of agreed ground rules.
Ground Rule #27: Do not allow for body fluids to stain the top of the bedspread.
Should I speak English, explore with her the origins on monogamy and elaborate on why her answer of God commanding Adam to fuck Eve and only Eve pains me in its accidental insightfulness. Well perhaps not that accidental son for God really was her stock answer. Still I decided against it. I had to be careful discussions of monogamy are always delicate and we had thus far avoided it like the plague of ring-o-ring-o-roses and therefore it was ever present son just like her God.
I tore my eyes from her and returned them to the ceiling where they stared faraway and beyond leaving her to the task of giving herself a pedicure. I was not lost for long.
“I’m done with this fucking beautifying, going for a shower. Want to join me?”
I was apparently forgiven. I tore myself from faraway and yes she was very apparently horny. I followed her beautiful thong-ed buttocks into the bathroom and as she closed the magic mirror door to her Marian shrine I caught a glimpse of my warped twisted reflection. Somewhere something turned cold in me. I reached out and turned the little key in the bathroom cabinet. Things were just about to get nasty and I wanted to make sure Mother Mary didn’t sneak a peek.
